It's been a while...I can't remember what I wrote last, but I really like Stevie Wonder. Erm...the doctor put me on anti-depressants maybe about a week or two ago. I was ok until last night but I didn't do anything because I'm going to see him again in a month and I want him to listen to me like a real person and not some mentally ill one. He wont take me seriously unless I tell him without any cuts, without any attempts or anything like that.

I got a voice DVD...something positive to do with this situation. It's gonna take ages, but it might teach me to be a bit more patient than I usually am. The problem is that I need to quit smoking and I want a fag right now. Gah.

Magic cure for depression! Action!

So...fuck the doctors. They don't get it, it doesn't mean I have to cut myself up about it (hardehar). I'm 'out' and I'm not going back in. I'll have to just start my life now by myself. If I step out right and just believe in myself then they'll fall in line. Its a shame because I wanted to buy a trouser suit to wear to the appointment next Monday, but its not practical; we'll have to see what the arrangement will be. But I HAVE to present myself to him as myself and ditch this whole Jack rubbish once and for all. So I may get idiots pointing, some comments; but whatever:- its not as bad as being on endless tablets for stupid made-up conditions; and its not as bad as doing something serious to myself.

The hits just keep on comin. Had another stupid attempt last night and took half of the rest of my anti-psychotics but then stopped cause Emma came in an started watching. Woke up this morning and couldn't speak!

Didn't get a referral. Just got diagnosed with clinical depression and given more tablets to take. lovely. so I have to try and keep it together this week for my appointment next Monday. Fun. My life is so shit. I bought some games to take my mind off things, but the stupid motherfucking company hasn't sent out the console yet, so i can't play them. This week is going to be shit x1000

So I need to go to sleep now. I'm getting sick of talking to people on MSN. I need a break from internet chatting, its getting me down and starting to feel forced and fake. Either everyone feels this way, or nobody feels this way. There are one or two people that its always good to talk to.

Tomorrow is the fucking big day. I don't know how I'm going to sleep with this shit. Listmakingismasculine, I need a referral. Need. God help me if I don't get one.

today was ok, now its gone a bit bad. Trying to control myself, but don't thnk i'm doing too well. Very pissed off today. Need to do something, wish I had a drink or ten. Really, really wish I had some alcohol. Just a bottle of gin or something else like that would be all I need right now. Some gin and a hot bath. I feel a bit of a bad patch coming on. I've lost everything I had now. I've got nothing now. Ah, it doesn't matter now. I want to see some nice lines, its a purely aesthetic choice. I really want a fucking drink. I need a drink. I thought about getting some acid before but right now I just want to be dumb and pissed. Can't take all this ridiculous shit.

Bit of a baaard day today. Emma out of the house till tomorrow, so sat here in brainfuck. Stupid fucking stuff that I shouldn't post here, but nobody will read this anyway. Fucking made some progress on my arms today with the scissors, but I make sure I don't do it for the wrong reasons;

wrong reasons are to make other people feel bad, to make other people give attention or to make other people feel guilty

right reasons are to make myself to feel better, to get rid of pain and to calm me down and keep it all real.

So if I do it for the right reasons it will keep me strong because I'm not strong. At least I have cigarettes too, so I alternate; if I get an attack, I smoke one time, I cut one time, its less frequency! :-)

Attacks are so weird, i get a rush of deep sadness and then I'll cry for a second but then I pull together, so I must look like some kind of depressive freak half the time. But when my lip wobbles I deflect it with something usually so I stay sane. And crying hurts anyway because my eyes are so tired, they just sting. So a bit of a cough or a little red line are better than not being able to see. I'm not even gonna read that back to myself.

I'm so glad that i don't have to pretend to be interested in business law now. it's a great, great relief. i can actually look forward to a career...that's something i've never had before. it's weird because it thought that I could never, ever be a teacher...but being a lecturer or a professor is different, because you interact with well at least a bit more chance of interesting debate. and you get to research and be creative for a living. and, seeing as i'm never going to have children, its also a way of, well, giving something back and feeling part of something. i can't relate on that level to a business. i just can't, its something for cold-hearted people to do. And its weird because now these issues are sortedish, I can actually admit that i really really looked up to all those great teachers I had; I think Miss Westhead was just amazing. And I wanted to be just like her then when I was 12! But I think its the amount that I enjoyed my final year too. The more advanced it got, the more interesting I found it. And Anastasia too, she was great. And Malcolm Hicks too. And I know he'll be great if I send him an email. So what else is on my mind? Well, I'm addicted to personality tests and I'm outrageously horny. I can seriously imagine a drawer with a good few toys! I'll go mad otherwise! I've got to stop blarting at people too and start keeping things to myself a bit more and be a person not some walking journalblarter.

Umm, how public is this going to be? I think its best if I stop this verbal diarrhoea and talk about things and not me! I'm sooo self-obsessed it is daft. I'm a crazy introvert extrovert. I think you might call it imposing yourself on people! gah! whatchutalkinboutwilliscosyoutalkinneverkillit! I'm addicted to saying that. I never knew missy Elliott had been abused. My respect for her is even more. She's so talented, its ridiculous. All this Beatles rubbish. Missy and Timbaland are just as good. We're waiting for a Chinese. I like saying I have an eating disorder, but i am actually going a bit zooomed, my head's faint and i cant stand up much, so i'm gonna have a greasy chinese! yummmy. and i have cigs now, so i have to eat so i can smoke. Its better than these stupid cuts I keep giving myself. Do I like the attention it gives me? Well no not really because I don't get that much attention for that. I try and get attention through legitimate means. And I like giving attention just as much. I think that about myself I suppose, I am very self-obsessed, but I can talk about other people just as much. People just interest me, naturally. I do like attention, but this isn't really about that. It just sort of feels good to be honest, its not done to kill myself. Who is going to be evicted?!?!?!?!?!?!? Please stay Science! Noooo! I am so sick of the Bravery, how crap are they? Silly temporary music. Not good temporary music! Not to me, anyway. And what is that Fanta Z about? Z? Zee? Ztupid! Zoot Soot. I want some pinstripe trousers. And maybe a beret. I already have a pearl necklace. Pearls are gorgeous, I am definitely obsessed with them. And if the scarf I bought wasn't 1000ft long, it would be good too. Its a good belt but with my weight being so up and down no belts really fit me anymore.

Ummmm....stereotype! I bought an ace skirt today. and got it sooo cheap. And I'm waiting for a gamecube to arrive with the Urbz! Sounds like a fun game. And I gave that suit jacket back today. Funny looking delivery man, same as last time, didn't notice that I was obviously a bit ill. Anyway. Big Brother is calling! Speak to you later x